Nothing on My Own
“The Woman of Canaan at the Feet of Christ” by Jean Germain Drouais, 1784
Friday morning I woke up with a pervasive, compelling thought: I need a new phone—now.
My phone camera had been taking blurry pictures for two weeks. Apparently the problem was a known issue with my phone’s particular hardware, and nothing could be done to fix it. I was beyond frustrated. My own dependence on this handheld black-hole bothered me. And I disliked the cost, hassle, and racket. I wanted to switch phone carriers. As much as I loved snapping shots of the kids, nature, and family life, I wasn’t running to replace my phone.
Until Friday morning.
I don't know what changed, but from the moment I woke up I was, for some odd reason, seized by the idea that I had to have a new phone. Now. Or at least before we left for our anniversary trip on Monday morning. The trip would be the first time Brent and I had been away by ourselves in four years—and likely the last time we'd be able to get away, sans kids, for a few more years. We were headed for the scenic North Shore. Didn’t I need to take photos to be able to process, record and remember the trip? I had to make this new phone thing happen. And now.
I skipped my daily Bible readings and prayers. I spent most of the morning trying to order a new phone. I was hit by problem after problem. I couldn't log into our account. My phone incorrectly showed as ineligible for upgrade. The one phone I wanted was only available online—and I would have to pay extra to have it shipped overnight so it could be here before we left. The site was slow, slow, slowww. It logged me out multiple times, and each time I had to restart or reset my order. I yelled at the kids, who would not stop bothering me as I. tried tonget this one, critical thing done.
Several times it occurred to me that this was all unusually complicated. Little whispers popped up in the back of my head: …is this God's will? …do I really need a new phone, right now? … maybe I should do my readings and prayers. I steamrolled past all these thoughts. At some point, after noting my very loudly expressed noises of frustration, my husband mentioned that he'd been seriously considering switching to a smaller carrier more aligned with our values. But I barely registered this perfect confirmation of my past desire to switch carriers. I was doing this—and now.
Two hours later, I was set. My new phone had not one, not two, but four fancy cameras, and a special technology for blocking background noise while filming. It also had double the storage. And, somehow, it was going to reduce our monthly bill, long-term. My new phone would be here the very next day—Saturday—by noon. So would a new case and screen protector for it. I should have been happy and grateful. Instead, I was stressed and snappy.
Saturday morning came—and went. Noon came—and went. My phone hadn’t arrived.
Shortly after lunch, my husband looked at his phone and said, “Uh, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but… I just got an email saying your phone won’t be here until Tuesday.”
I was irate. I spent the next 37 minutes on hold, trying reach customer service, only to be put on hold, again. The carrier had no idea why my order hadn't been shipped overnight.
But I knew why.
As I waited, I faced what I had known the whole time: this new phone thing was not aligned with God’s will. I had blown past every one of God’s deterrents—and I knew it. And I knew what to do now. I surrendered the situation to the Lord—and I cancelled the phone. I was flooded with relief.
As I thought back on my mistake, I understood. I had failed a divine test: I had chased after my desire, not God's. I had failed, repeatedly, to unite myself to God and His will. I had deliberately elbowed Him out of my day. No wonder I was left with nothing to show, except problems, wasted time and effort, a lack of peace. No wonder I had accomplished absolutely nothing—because nothing is ever accomplished outside of God's will.
John 5:30
I can do nothing on my own authority… I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me.
Luke 22:40
Father…not my will, but thine, be done.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
